Reposted - need more - my first - he cheated on her with me - is there a positive in all this? moving on...

So I've been getting responses here about a guy I slept with years ago (yes I still have issues with it - not sure why) and I've been basically holding on to reassurance that since he was cheating on his partner at the time (now his wife), then their relationship must be bad and he is a bad person.





This, I have learnt is not true. I have learned that men are not monogamous. He saw an opportunity to cheat and get away with it so he took it. I was unaware of the g/f and ended it when I found out. He obviously loved/s the gf/wife, he cares for her, he married her. Men can 'compartmentalize' mentally - so the cheating meant NOTHING to him. I was stupid enough to think sleeping with him just might lead to some legitimate dating (yes I KNOW how silly I was now!). And I got hurt. When he cheated with me he had just had a child with the girl and I learned that this life event, especially when young (he was 27 at the time) can lead to cheating. So I understand what it was about now but I am even more HURT! He just used me - he thought nothing of me/it - he didn't care at all, ever. He had/has all the good things in his life and the wife never found out. He'll never 'pay'. I never told the gf/wife as I didn't know her and was too embarrassed - and of course I'd never go back and tell her now. He just got away clean - and he is reaping the benefits of it now still probably, It probably made him a better husband, - by getting away with it once and possibly deciding to settle down properly after that.





What I am saying is that all the theory fits in - and now that I understand it, it hurst more as there was absolutely no benefit in it for me - and sex and possibly a greater appreciation of what he has for him.





Is there anything you can see above that we could turn into a positive for me to salvage some dignity/positivity from?





I;ll add that it was mostly hope/silliness on my part - he never told me he loved me or promised me anything..........





I'd doubt he still cheats as they live in a small town close to family and friends - I doubt he would be that silly now they are married etc = just a guess as I saw them once and they looked happy.......Reposted - need more - my first - he cheated on her with me - is there a positive in all this? moving on...
Hey Hollie,


Not all men cheat. In fact the majority of us do not. It is that other group who has the lack of conscience that allows them to attempt more than one relationship at a time.


Please do not paint us all with the same black brush that many of those at YA do. The majority of responders have their own crosses to bear and you will hear more from them than the ones who are satisfied with thier condition.





Many, many men are filled with happiness that a woman would love them. They are not interested in the chase, the conquest or any of that other crap that the unfaithful practice.





your problem becomes that you fell for just that crap and gave yourself to a person who was not worthy of your affection.


Quit beating yourself up over this.


You are running the risk of becoming an extreemly unhappy, morose person.





You really need to find a way to quit worrying about him. There is no benefit in understanding his motivation except to be able to recognise this behavior pattern in the future.


You really need to take a step back and view your feelings toward him and think how nice it would be if your guy returned those same feelings. This is the guy you need to think about and where to find him.





As for dignity, that is another term for pride. I fear we spend far to much emotional energy on that attitude.





It can be a good thing to view this experience as just that, experience. It has become part of you now and will lead you to making sure you do not give yourself to someone in future unless they can show that they are available and want to have that relationship with you.





As for virginity it is a highly overrated condition which is far better taken care of long before you decide who your life partner will be.


I've always felt the voluntary choice with something to compare against was more important than the fact that you have been with someone else. Presumably that causes doubts later about the person who needs that lack of comparison. Virginity was a lot more about property and heratage than it was some moral purpose.





It may be past time to put the sexuality in the catagory of a fond memory and him in the category of a jerk that you are sorry you met, AND THEN move on.





Your case is not special, nor is it uncommon. Your obsessing like this is not a good thing. You are hurt but it is not the end of the world unless you make it be.


Perhaps you should consider some counselling.





Your conclusions about the state of men are not correct. These thoughts about all men cheating are based on too small a sample.


Many many of us do not cheat and do not use their partners.


You need to get your head out of the world of men who do and attempt to find one who does not.Reposted - need more - my first - he cheated on her with me - is there a positive in all this? moving on...
We're you aware that time that he was cheating With you?? Then Shame on YOu!!.. So dont expect something positive from that!
next time get to know the person well befor you take it to the sex level.
Jesus Christ get your self some counseling.
I am SO sorry. It must be agonizing.


but there are positives. it may take a while for you to see them.





1) you learned from this that some guys are like that. you will be more careful, more cautious in the future.





2) because of this experience you will be able to tell your friends when they are about to get into this situation - you can help keep them from going through what you are going through. and your words will carry power because you have been there.





3) you have learned that in the area of sex, men just don't think the same way as women. this is useful to know.








But i have to disagree on 2 points - i seriously doubt that cheating made him a better husband. And i can not accept that a man cheating on his pregnant wife is all that good a guy. He had a choice. His choice doesn't make him the most evil man in the world, but that is not the sort of thing a good husband does.
You are still so hung up on something that happened years ago that you need to 'salvage some dignity'? Get thee to a counselor, woman, and get a life. Your case is way beyond our ability to do anything for you.
one a cheater they wil always cheat if he sept with you there would be other girls too baby girl
I think you might be harboring just a tad of resentment, not only towards him, but towards yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. I don't want to comment why he did this to you, because he will look like a player and you will look like the played. But to resent the fact that he has moved on and you haven't is your own fault. Years ago is a long time. Think of it this way...You slept with a guy and it turned out to be nothing. BUT, hopefully, you learned a lesson and will never do it again. I believe bad things happen to us sometimes to change the course of our lives, so we can save ourselves from traveling down the wrong road and stop bad behavior. Let go of the past. Pray. Ask for forgiveness. But move on.
The positive is that you now have an insight as to how men think and behave. You wont be taken for such a fool a second time. The thing that worries me though - this happened years ago, so why haven't you moved on in the meantime? It sounds like it's become an obsession. If you want the truth, then everybody gets used at some stage in their lives - you're not the only one. You just have to chalk it up to experience and move on.